•Battle Scars For A Broken Mind•

I am two people in one living body,

The mental processing split down to one reality,

Everything that's happened in a tiny span of life,

Crammed into a cranium with the archeology of strife,

Our day-to-day experience, our personal impermanence,

Molded by the world within its bustling circumference,

Born this way or formed this way, our bodies take their states of disarray,

Fragile things, fickle as newlyweds,

Bruised too easy but our brains, they're thunderheads,

Cascades of information passed through every inch you touch,

Everything you see, hear, breathe-

Sensation's a human crutch,

Overwhelming the thalamus comes too easily for some of us,

We lock up, shut down & forget about our worldliness,

Imprisoned with our sympathetic systems on repeat,

Some will fight anxieties, but us, we accept defeat,

Is this what we deserve when our brains are missing a piece??

The lack of feeling, when our synapse forget their happiness release,

Are we broken when we don't turn up our frowns??

Between the feeling that we're empty husks & living with the imperfections,

What can we do about our depression other than our own self-expression??

Self-medication, dug into our skin with claws & let in riven,

Covered all the scars, dotted I's, crossed T's,

Yet somehow I think they'll see through our niceties,

Missed meals, lost lunches, social life trying to make us rethink,

The feelings are still coming,

They bring us to the brink and push us..

It's really hard when life is worthless, mirthless,

A wild strange world resides up there in our heads,

The culminations of strange fantasies manifesting into air,

The struggles of twisted realities & structures with their maladies,

Holes in our brains too big, or just discrepancies,

Awareness is a formula of chemicals like dopamine,

But it hurts when you have too many people think you're just obscene, not natural-

A freak.

It's hard when life is so bleak,

The dehumanizing difficulty of having lemons

But being unable to make lemonade,

It's every mistake you've ever made put on parade,

Flashbacks & memories too much for the faint-spirited,

All of them walking nightmares, the hippocampus disoirted,

& people call us weak for somehow surviving this journey,

How we hope our brains can destroy it, make it evanesce,

All these broken synapses,

Memories of breakdowns & relapses,

Spark in vivid cacophony, a harmony,

A symphony of singing salutations,

Of first greetings & familial relations,

Days in & days out, fantasies coming in waves & going in bouts,

Think, what are we??

The totals of the agony, summation of futility??

Chemicals in a drunken cocktail of misinformation,

Learned behaviours & ambition,

These fireworks of our mysterious impulses,

Keep returning to us, till we fall to ashes...

Inside the darkness is where I stand,

Here, it is cold & very lonely,

But this isolation has somehow found it's way into the depths of my heart,

It has become my sole desire,

It is here that my thoughts flow best,

Even with the pandemonium knocking on the other side,

Yearning for me to join in it's endeavours,

It is here that I am complete, such madness in this existence,

Constant reprisal,

Ceaseless torment,

Incessant psychological shifting,

Constantly questioning if the last move I've made is initiating suffering upon my current resolve,

Constantly attempting to invielge myself into believing that what I've done is necessary,

But at times I am forced to question my disposition,

Was it worth it??

So many questions & none of them encompassing unequivocal responses,

Every move taken is a guess,

& there is no way to assure that the resolution I have attained is the correct one for my situation,

I dream of the light at the end of the tunnel,

But I have no means of knowing which path I should take to reach it,

I'm eager to sprint but I have nowhere to go,

Yet on I go,

Not realizing the only thing I accomplish is discontent,

& I will remain in this cold & lonely darkness,

Within the depths of my soul's void...

•Absent Memories•

The ticking of my watch doesn't give me as much comfort

As the sound of your voice over wires,

If I called you now, would you pick up the phone??

I need to hear your voice

Because it is the only thing in the world that makes me feel less alone,

I want you to tell me if God is really real, angels too,

I'd really like to know because kids are screaming in the dark

& I don't want them to feel so alone, as alone as I do,

My body shakes in the dark,

This earth quakes in the dark,

I cannot feel the reality of hearts beating

& this entire world feels too much like a dream,

Because you have always been my tether to reality,

But you left, and you took my reality with you,

The shaking of my hands reminds me that you're not really here,

& I can't seem to get the point-

You're not here.

So the words start to slip & my hands start to slip,

& it fills me with fear because you're the only one who can convince me that this is all real,

The demon in the corner is screaming, arguing with the voices in my head,

& last night I thought that this was all just a game,

But your taste is in my mouth & my breath has been replaced,

But the aching memory of your sweet gentle face-

I can't get it out,

I can't get you out,

Someone needs to help me,

There is something in the walls & the world is blurry,

& I'm fading and it feels like everything is slowing down...

I thought I heard your heart beat through these walls,

& I swore I could feel your breath on my neck,

But I have forgotten the feeling of your hands against my skin,

& I have forgotten my own name,

& I have forgotten to speak to you like I used to,

Then again, I've probably been forgotten by you anyway,

I am a ghost-

Locked away in a drawer in the back of your mind,

& I'm right here.

I'm right here.

I am right here!!

I've been screaming for so long I'm not even sure if I'm real,

Often I think I'm dreaming

Because my voice shakes & my eyes are lost in a fog & you can't hear me,

I'm screaming I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I AM SORRY!! at the top of my lungs,

I will never forget you or the way our lips tasted in the morning sunlight,

But it's a pointless promise, I guess,

Because I don't even know if I'll ever hear you say "I love you too"..

For a second you were here with me,

But now I'm so afraid & so out of place,

Because the only thing you left behind is me,

Thinking that maybe, just maybe, you were never even real..

•Lost Constellations•

I take a sip for every thought of you,
But too many drinks make a hazy head-
A thin line between clarity & peering through a traffic of images of you,
The harmony of your tenor,
The stupid, goofy grin we both once shared,
In drabs, our souls drip away,
Though the clear transparency of your tone mingles with my opaque dossier,
One look is not as simple as one glance used to be,
Reliving through a blanket shell,
The ''mirror darkly'', the apt quote,
Now feelings fracture the edge of new circumstances,
I collect them in a decanter, you see, for my own pleasure,
At reconvening evidence, pocketing it like copper coins,
You abandoned your place in my heart in one whisper,
Yet simultaneously, you crept away,
Crept away into a veiled concept like a spice element amongst my dew,
Performed a show for all the eyes
But neglected my introspective, skip-a-beat type care,
So I sit here & play with the remains of my alcohol..
I thought I heard the strain of some lyric once in the dark,
I thought that sound might be you,
Or was it just a simplified version of hope threaded by some anti-Cupid-type demon,
With a promise of a sweeter success,
Forget the chorus & the organs of love,
Or the ''operas & musicals'' in mountains of my taste,
I want to hear your solo again,
The lightness in your cocktail accent
& your questions, unimposing for now,
& every word unspoken that will follow-
An affair of the soul, indeed!!
If flirtation begins, the thirst must be quenched,
If one eye closes, it must be opened by the other,
I drain the last of the second cup,
& the memory of your smile
Is nothing more than fingermarks on the glass..

I wish I could have known how many people look just like you,
How I can glance a silhouette from behind,
& choke on my heart in my throat
Before my brain has the chance to override,
It's not you, it never will be you,
I wish I would have known the clarity of my memory,
How I can still remember every hair peeking from your nostrils,
But the graze of your fingertips across my goose-bumped skin
Is lost in a void of forgotten thoughts,
I wish I would have known,
That the shitty song that you loved & insisted to play on repeat
Would repeat forever inside of me,
& I hate it, but not as much as I hate hearing nothing,
Nothing at all,
& sometimes when it rains & I'm drifting far away,
I feel like I hear your footsteps on the pavement,
Your key in the lock,
Your clumsy body causing the bed to squeak as you crawl in next to me,
Sometimes when it's chilly out,
I can see my own breath form a cloud of warmth
Before the cold breathes it back in,
Then I look up at the stars & somehow I feel closer to you,
As if I can hear your warm, smooth voice whisper in my ear,
''I'll never be over you'',
As if you're right next to me,
Planting small little seeds that will make my love for you grow,
As if that's even possible..

But now I know, you've never cared about me,
Yet no matter where you are, you'll always be with me,
& I know that's selfish because you were never mine to keep,
I now know that you've never felt the same,
But some day, in some way, I hope you'll understand,
That not once did I not see you as something I could hold on to,
& that it was just something beyond my control,
But you see, you were the stars in my eyes,
A fire that has never died,
& no matter how many times I tell myself that I've never crossed your mind,
My heart believes otherwise,
To me, you were the most beautiful unattainable being I had ever seen,
Gliding quietly through the world, while everyone you met fell under your spell,
You were everything that I wanted & something that I couldn't have,
But you changed me & now I'll never go back,
Because the stars we see in the dark sky are long gone,
& now, so are mine...

•Anywhere•

Needless destitude,,
Hopeless solitude,,
Bridges I left unburned are now collapsing under the weight of my memories,
It only takes one bad day to remember how alone you really are,
To see how vast the world really is
& just how insignificant you are to the world,
Now imagine if every single day you had was a bad day,,
Then imagine meeting someone that understands your soul,
Someone that looks past your eyes into you & loves whatever they see,
Someone that makes every single bad day bearable by her simple words,
''It'll be okay, I'm here for you'',
I met someone like that, & not just in my head like I usually do,
& she made me happier than I ever thought possible,
She was the only one allowed to-
Touch my scars,
Caress my whispers,
Breathe in my secrets,
She was never one of the crowd, she was THE one in the crowd,
A single soul among billions, yet within her existed the world entire,
She would leave me weak, breathless, speechless every time I looked into her eyes,
But you don't need words because her eyes are poetry itself,
Her beauty never screamed to be noticed, yet she was the most beautiful person I ever laid eyes on,
All you had to do was pay close attention & her glow in the sun would draw you to her,
She showed me that there is nothing more beautiful than the complex beauty of simplicity,
Turning from the spotlight, she laid a finger upon my lips as if to hush the room,
& she whispered, ''Your soul's darkness is mere grey to me my love,,mere grey..''
Everyday I wake up & my mind is instantly inhabited by thoughts of her,
Thoughts of the one who everyday assisted me in beginning my hours of daylight,
I would surface, make a cup of tea & sit in my seat next to the kitchen door,
Watching as the sun kisses the ground,
Always accompanied by her smell, which seems to spend vast amounts of time just lingering around,
This is a passion beyond my eyes, beyond the haze of sense,
When they type, my fingers disappear & they cannot speak of her again,
My only hope forms on my lips-
That my breath will find her breath in the ravishing darkness under the Eye of the sky..

& I fill my lungs with ash in an attempt to find my sanity,
I want to cough up the blood that your fingertips drew from my veins,
I held my head down while I screamed,
I breathed in the dirt you walked on because I was afraid,
So terrified of your absolute power over me-
The power that you used to heal my bruised heart,
You were the monster under my bed that I never thought I would meet,
I tear myself apart stitch by stitch looking for a way to breathe you,
I build this shell around myself,
No venomous affection can pierce this skin of broken memories,
I hide from all humanity because people bring fire & poison,
But you are the only one who knows the secret chink in my so-called impenetrable armour,
You melt away the metal with your fiery love & beautiful eyes,
So I try to lock myself in a cage, a self-made prison,
Closed & locked away behind layers of hatred,
I bury myself in a bullet-hole of empty days & sleepless nights,
I've been balancing on the tip,
On the edge of nothing for fear of falling into something that might be beautiful,
But see, if it doesn't involve you, then the beautiful something to-be is reduced to rubble reeking fumes,
Toxic air, toxic despair-
& I inhale, regardless,
I have never been good at playing games,
My poker face is as secret as a highway billboard,
My soul as stealthy as a fire alarm,
I'll lay my cards on the table-
Spread my muddled aces, tell you I'm afraid,
I'm scared out of my wits,
Destiny is calling & I don't know how not to follow it,
Some would claim the opposite of safety is danger,
But I beg to differ; It is opportunity,
For in it lurks endless possibilities, any imaginable disaster,
I am young, I am free, I have the world ahead of me,
Urged to erase these memories of you, of us, & let my heart grow big,
For I am allowed to bloom, but I can't admit I'm too terrified to,
I'm expected to be myself but put my emotions on a shelf,
& simply soak up the sunshine pouring down on me,
As if we were never, we..

The truth is, I am & will always be in love with you,
I've wept my sheets into soggy tissues every night
At the prospect that I will be facing a future that no longer includes you,
I'm not quite ready to let go of your love yet,
For I've found there's a little boy inside me who's not quite old enough yet
To accept his fairy tale romance is being snuffed out before it has a chance to breathe,
You touch my hand, smile, ask me what's wrong,
& I say nothing-
I do not wish to waste any time I have with you drowning in the pain of our impending doom,
Still, in the dead of the night, as I watch the satellites disappear behind the clouds,
My heart fragments like shooting stars as I realized we have to let go of all we are,
From that first night we met, you pressed me to your skin,
I knew that there would be no other to dwell within the silent folds of my soul,
Now it all has to go.
The girl who once held me strong, yet soft & tender in her arms,
Whispered into my kinky hair,
''I'll forever be there'',
Let me fall off into anywhere...

•Holding Hands With Passion•

I was always an unusual little boy,
My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul,
No moral compass pointing me due North, no fixed personality,
Just an inner indecissiveness that was as wide & wavering as the ocean,
I belonged to no one-
Who belonged to everyone-
Who had nothing-
Who wanted everything-
With a fire for every experience & an obsession for freedom
That terrified me to the point that I could not talk about it,
& it pushed me to a nomadic state of madness that dazzled & dizzied me..

Apparently, I chewed the umbilical cord off while I was still in the womb,
I couldn't get out of there fast enough,
All my life, I couldn't wait to do anything,
When I learned to crawl, I would cry
Because all I ever really wanted to do was to walk & when I learned to walk,
There was nothing I yearned for more than to run, & not just to run, but to run away,
My point B was more like point Z,
& point Z was my destination, farthest known planet away,
& to not be able to breathe was not that high a price to pay,
Every cause was a cause I was willing to die for,
I didn't have opinions but I had a passion,
& if you think that passion was blind, I'll be the first to let you know-
Damn right it was!!
But to not be able to see is the price I have learned I could never pay,
It is the only sacrifice to chill my bones,
& the only expense I could never spare because ignorance has never been bliss,
& bliss has never been at the starting point-
When I was in my mother's womb..

There's a reason why I wanted to run away,
Eagerness was in learning, bliss was in knowing-
What to put passion behind,
What to fight for,
What to stand against,
& which fights to flee,
I will always know that to die is to be void of passion,
Because that is the root of life, at least it is for me,
Because getting a shot in the gums so as not to feel the pain in the tooth
Has always seemed so crazy to me,
& is probably why I detest those shots and visits to the dentist,
See, I can stand the sight of blood & the pain of it being drawn,
& only hope for a scar, and better yet, a story & a moral to teach,
Knowledge to share & spread & a cool little mark to trace
Or to wince at the memory of but never to wish for it to vanish,
& to never resent,
Even if that pretty girl from school went-
''Dang, that's one ugly-ass looking scar!!''
Because my scars will always be there for me,
But you would leave me for perfect skin, atendered piece of meat,
Mine is too flawed, or maybe even fat,
Or maybe even too fat for you,
Too dark or black, not light enough,
I need a sign that reads-
Warning:- Not for the weak of heart,
P.S:- Kind of weak in the heart,
Oh but P.P.S:- Kind of hard in the head,
& one more thing:- Easily depressed,
Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot to add:-
Easily side-tracked but not easily misled,
& my temper is hot enough to contract a fever from,
But that is what happens when you hold hands with passion,
& you let it be the ring on your finger, and the immunity to your morality,
Water that is like a fire to your fire,
It's the key to keeping you cool but only feeds your flame,
& the only thing that keeps you hydrated,
But a probable cause your inevitable demise..
Easily, the best decision I could have ever made,
Was when I was still maybe just a foetus, or an under-developed baby perhaps,
Was to run away, because I started so early,
& I've made it such a long way that to go back to the days of my blind passion,
Would take so long that I'd be long gone by the time I reached point A...

•Her•

She is a thousand miles from here, as the bird flies,
But I don't know any bird that flies from here to there,
See, if I did, I'd string myself to a flock of them & leave right now,,
I'm kidding-
She knows if I wanted, I would
Catch the train,
Or take the bus,
Or grab a taxi
& find her in her neighbourhood,
If I wanted, she knows I could,
If she wanted,,
Here's a selfish thought-
My favourite part of her body is her ears,
Not because they're pretty, which they are,
But because when I let my soul leave,
When I let my words carry it through the air, she hears me,
Like any drug worthwhile, she is a pain reliever,
One time prescription, no refills.
If they bottled her, I'm not sure what they'd name her,
But I'm pretty sure the back label would read :
''Warning-
Contains high concentrations of the stuff that lifts your soul to the clouds,
Keep out of reach of anyone who can't handle the fall.''
If it were up to her, the world would have no sound,
Except for her own whisper & saltwater shifting across the ocean floor,
She has a talent for sitting on park benches & ignoring the world,
It is absolutely irresistable how careless she is with her beauty,
When she is to blame for so many acres of flowers & grains of sand,
So many windows that look out on courtyards,
On the hilltop, framed by dusk grains, her hair hangs to the grass
& there, she shakes out the memories,
She likes the South of things, the feet & ground of things,
Shadows carving into darkness like palms,
& the feeling of being unsure of something at twilight..

Her hair drifts around me gently, like a summer breeze,
Her eyes gaze upon me, soft as satin sheets,
& her sweet scent envelopes me & I breathe her in,
In her persuasive web, I am entangled, watching her every movement,
Graceful, delicate, like a dandelion in the wind,
& then I close my eyes,
Letting her body's light imprint the dark depths of my soul,
As her outline develops, it is a vision like no other,
But as the vision begins to fade, a realization strikes me,
When I open my eyes, I will see her,
But it is not until I open my mind that I will begin to know her,
& suddenly she is more than I imagined,
She is so much more, so wonderfully interesting,
She is the kind of girl that people read books about,
She is delightfully chaotic, a beautiful mess,
Loving her is a splendid adventure,
When she speaks, she shares her inside, that which I could not see,
& this humbled boy ignites,
For now, I understand,
I truly know what it means to be in love,
I feel her essence, her soul radiating,
Without thinking twice & with haste,
I fly into her light..

Write.
Those are her instructions,
As if I came equipped with an arsenal ideas desperately seeking to be materialized on paper,
But up until this point, I have lived a fairly normal life,
Despite the speckles of quick-tempered rebellion-laced mistakes,
I didn't know if it was the right time to feel the way I did,
Or if it was the right time to tell her,
But I went ahead & did anyway,
I told her I loved her-
She said it was too soon & think it over but I ended up over-thinking,
But still, despite my aptness for the occassional ''passable for decent'' poetry,
I simply had no words to describe her kind,
The kind I want to drown inside of,
The kind that would leave me bereft of descriptions should I ever be asked to put it into words,
She rocked me without a single fire warning
& all she could say was ''Write.''
I have no story to tell, I love her is all,
But I don't write when I'm in love,
So would she ever grasp the significance of a blank page??

•Fences In The Park•

I listen to peace,
Rain flowing steadily like the calm beating of a river's stream,
A petal of your smile drifts on a wavelet straight to my shore,
I dream I am a leaf-
Floating on a silent breeze: free,
I am a wild weed
Tucked behind the earlobe of a summer child,
She, a tall exotic flower caressed repeatedly by the breeze,
A flower that will blossom in the full moon, regardless of the sun,
A flower that bloomed in a garden of thorns, knowing not what tenderness was,
It's beauty surpassed other flowers but still smelled of thorns,
The blemished flower, growing in the dark,
Growing dangerously close to the fences in the park..

My heart beats at the tip of my pen
Gracing blank pages with ink of my emotion,
Sometimes sad
Sometimes sweet
But always irrevocably me,
& endlessly I write,
Looking out the window-
The rythmic sound of the train,
Trees running backwards,
Strangers walking around,
& I find peace in the chaos,
Then, in the quiet stillness,
I wait for your soul to speak through the darkness,
My being longs for you, reaches out to find you,
Following a trail of thoughts which leave it's footprints behind on my notebook,
But of what use will these words be if they can't
Lift a sinking spirit
Soothe a bleeding heart
Or paint a smile on someone's lips??
The heat & dust of life robbed my eyes of it's sparkle,
With blurred vision I still search for the path which would lead me to you,
& as you finally gaze into my heart,
Each beat twinkles like a star to replace the sparkle in your eyes
While my eyes wash away the dust,
I look beyond the ripples of my reflections to examine my inner self,
The ripples begin to fade,
As the reflection lays beside me, grasping my hand,
The inner warmth & serenity shields me,
& as the vision of my reflection appears,
I see you..

''Believe me'' my heart pleaded, pounding mercilessly in my chest,
''She is not like the others, she is not like the rest'',
My love the ink, your body a canvas,
I want to discover ever inch of you & examine with wide-eyed wonder,
What makes the storm inside you thunder,
So give me the broken fragments that are your soul,
Let me delve deep, my love the lantern that lights the way,
Share with me your inner most secrets,
Your mind is an alluring enigma, wrapped up in a beautiful face & encased in a gorgeous body,
Your words are the hug I need on the worst & darkest of days,
We are separated by distance, but I am with you now,
Take your hand & brush your cheek-
That's my hand, my touch, our moment..

I doubt not your fondness of me,
However, your greater love for another makes me an afterthought,
I am no longerworthy of being the only thought,
It is difficult seeing you slowly leave the spaces in my heart,
It was excruciating to take you down from the pedestal I had put you on,
But it was my only means of self-preservation,
My heart cries, not for the pain of my unrequited love,
But instead for her own, which she endures so courageously,
I will never stop trying,
I will never stop hoping,
I am never going to stop romancing you
Even as I watch your love for another flourish,
Leaving me crying, all alone in the dark,
Leaving me standing right outside the fences in the park...

•Your Piece•

I wish I could dim her inside of me,
When the broken pieces from long ago suddenly shift beneath my skin,
Threading pieces of a dream through the eye of a storm,
I am a broken, battered soul,
Living an unfulfilled life of loneliness & depression,
Of missed chances & humiliation,
I sit on the front porch of my sanity,
For upon a thread's tip hangs my vanity,
Please do not judge me,
Even though everybody can find love but me,
See, I am a lonely soul,
Crawling through the ends of the Earth,
Looking, searching, longing for inner peace,
As I search for my missing piece,
The piece that completes the puzzle that is I,
She shines, not like a diamond, but brighter than the sun in the sky,
She'd be mad & I'd find a way to make her start smiling,
& sometimes she'd look into my eyes as if she could see what I'm hiding,
For her being is like mine,
We shall fight & argue, but our life together will be just fine,
For our purpose shall be solely divine,
Soiling the path of time with seeds of mine,
Bringing up a generation of us,
To build our future, but not neglecting our past,
They shall thrive-
By pen & ink, mighty nations will sink,
Through words so humble, great kingdoms will crumble,
For their power will be obsolete,
Neither physical nor emotional,
They shall have the power of a poet,
& they shall make the face of heaven so fine,
That all the world will be in love with the night
& pay no worship to the garish sun..

Though these words may be read by many, it is you I am writing to,
Painting landscapes with my words,
Colouring my world,
In views of abstract colour,
With hues like no other I have ever seen,
A poet sketching an impressionist scene,
Phrase & verse with a palette of words,
You paint my world in colours vivid & bold,
This view never grows old,
This landscape of your soul,
So come, then-
Mother of my children to-be,
Let me father the future fathers & mothers of the night,
Fill the universe with our psychological might,
Let me take care of you,
Winter sits inside your chest & I long to be the sun that warms you,
Is it not enough that I wrote my poetry in pen on my skin for you read clearly??
When I read, I project my emotions for you to hear me,
I long to be yours, not a knight in shining armour,
But take as I am,
The potato that I am,
You could be my yam,
These are cheesy pick-up lines, I know,
But you shall laugh & love them for our hearts are one,
& even though I have nothing to show,
I promise you a lifetime of silent fun, & at the midst of my silence is you,
So come, let me find you,
Look deep into my soul & see a darkness so bright it will blind you,
In the piercing light, let your sensitive eyes seek solace in the comfort of my shade,
She will be as swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire, & as mysterious as the dark side of the moon,
In a world without touch, I feel too much,
Feed my brain your words of lust,
Create beauty from the dark of night,
Or the dark of Destiny's ink dripping from chestnut veins born of pain,
Through which escapes a broken soul, flowing through a heart in verse..

Gaze into my eyes like you can see every tomorrow & forever in them,
I can see pieces of me mirrored in your words,
As though the thoughts I never spoke are the ones that you heard,
I long to be trapped in the euphoric rush of your exquisite touch,
As you chase every bit of emotion with delicate care & madness,
Clear out the sadness that remains from my old heart,
When the oceans in me are restless,
You are the lighthouse in my heart & the anchor for my soul,
Fill me with fragments of you,
Dancing softly through my darkness like a shadowy beam,
Making me ache in places that I have never dreamed,
& in the serenity of your touch, your love, your kiss,
I'm grateful, for the refuge of you,
In the midst of the chaos that is my life, I thank you,
Give me your heart, that I may be renewed,
So that finally have a new start,
A new chance at happiness, a restoration of faith,
A new beginning, a new eternity, a new forever in your arms,
I can only hope that these words find you,
Kiss your beautiful soul,
Awaken you from your slumber & bring you home...

•The Empty Man•

Not everyone can write poetry,
You'll pour your heart & soul out into verses,
Convert your memories into ink,
& burn through draft after draft,
But what if you have nothing to say??
See, I have never lived, I haven't yet had 'experiences',
I have never smelled death, felt loss, touched fate, heard hate or seen love,
For me, the empty page is torture,
It sits & it spits it's venom at me,
Daring me to taint it with my meaningless scribbles & dots,
A pen is a sword & mine is a tad too blunt,
So the empty page mocks me,
It sits before me with the knowledge that I have nothing to offer it,
The great poets will fill & have filled pages with their thoughts, with their emotion,
Their minds are floodgates & when they open, an ocean swamps the pages,
These people are born-writers 'cause ink courses through their veins,
Because their hands are guided by that which I can never have-
A soul.
I figured it out,
I too can write words, but they're just that; mere words,
A murmur in a crowd,
A loose handshake,
A cold empty stare,
The empty page is not meant to absorb your feelings, it reflects,
The whole time I was staring at the empty page,
I never realised that it is a mirror,
I ventured into poetry to find myself & I did,
So who am I??
I am John Doe. I'm nothing. I'm nobody, invisible,
The page isn't empty- I'm empty,
I'm drained to full capacity & I have nothing inside me to throw on paper,
I am a blank canvas,
I am The Empty Man.

•Guys Like Us•

Guys like me are hardly ever wanted, you know??
We're defined by our sadness like silhouettes of depression,
Shadows cast on white walls, even the detached parts of us are flaws,
Chapped lips, the cracks filled in with blood & skin residue,
Hearts vulnerable but impenetrable at the same time,
We're the breath you can't catch & the words you can't speak,
You wish your thoughts had never stumbled across us,
We're charcoal & ashes & tears
Slapped together to form fallible dusty masses covered in blood & doused in pills,
Swimming in the hollow depths of our empty smiles,
Suffocating in the aftershocks of feeling,
You can see our homes burning & smoking in the space between our eyes & reality,
That's the fire that swallows us whole, night after night after endless night..

Guys like me are hardly ever wanted, you know??
There's more than just distance between us & happiness, but not enough between us & hell,
We only know to exist when we're in pain,
Everyone has a way to hurt but we would hurt for anything,
Baby feet & memories erupting from split wrists,
The things we hate most are the ones we do best,
But we're never disaster-oriented or stubborn enough to find the morgue, at least not consciously,
We crave love & affection, but refuse to accept it unless we feel we deserve it,
But love cannot be manufactured, it cannot be earned like a paycheck,
Yet still, we keep working,
We keep typing & counting the numbers until our fingers scream for help,
Each & every mistake accounted for,
We're left in the kitchen with glass bottles displayed like antiques,
Encased in sorrow & placed in the museums of our deaths,
Tears falling like rain-
As if the rain can wash away the sharpness of the knives scattered across the tiles,
We're used up & we're sad & drunk & perpetually waiting by the phone
For someone to pick up & tell us that we did good, we did good,
We're worth nothing more than the dark depths of our souls,
& the white-hot tumours of rage taking over our hearts,
Because we're falling to pieces & we're never good enough to want,
See, guys like us are hardly ever wanted, you know??

•The Joy Of Sadness•

I have a solar-powered confidence & a battery-operated smile,
My hobbies include-
Editing my life story,
Hiding behind my metaphores,
& trying to convince my shadow that I'm someone worth following,
I've been told that I give really shitty hugs,
People say that it feels like I'm trying to escape,
That's probably because I am,
Secretly, I get really nervous
Whenever someone gets close enough to hear me breathe,
I have an odd fascination with ice sculptures & sand castles,
& I assume it's because I usually find myself
Dedicating time to things that will last only a few moments,
I have been called an awkward introvert, a lonely loner,
I am, in fact, a discordant wallflower too afraid to bloom,
I am an awkward caterpillar hiding inside my coccoon,
Too afraid to break out my wings & venture into the outernet..

Every morning I wake up, I realize,
I am not weak simply because my heart feels so heavy,
'Cause see I have never met a heavy heart that wasn't a phone booth with a red cape inside,
I can't live here, in my body I mean,
I can't stay in my body all the time for it feels too much,
I think alot about killing myself,
Not like a point on a map,
But rather like a glowing exit sign
At a show that's never quite bad enough to make me want to leave,
See, when I'm up, I don't kill myself because holy shit, there's still so much to do!!
When I'm down, I don't kill myself either because then the sadness would be over,
& the sadness is my old paint under the new,
The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder,
I'd still be me without it, but I'd be so boring,
So if I ever feel far away, know that I am not gone,
I am just underneath my grief,
Adjusting the dial on my radio face so that I can take this life,
With all of it's love & with all of it's loss...

•He Is Poetry•

I am a muse-less artist,
Painting pictures on the canvas of your eyelids,
See me, the things I see,
While I'm placing my soul on this silver platter,
My heart thrust into your hands,
Don't concern yourself with giving it back,
I placed it there for all the world to see, to digest it greedily,
Eat me, taste me,
Taste the words that have tattooed themselves on my skin,
Taste this blood, the ink of my mental cavity
As it seeps into the pen & brands the paper,
With whispers spilling out into the winds,
Carrying these strokes of genius somewhere far away..

This poetry, written by a so-called poet,
Labelled by those who don't know him,
He's a boy lost in these thoughts that berate him into stunned silence
That chain him & claim him as the crazy mess that he is,
He is me, & he is sorrow's slave,
To this boy, this poet no one seems to admire,
Everything is just a tangible illusion,
The world has become this poor child's stage,
So he acts alright, but his whole world is afire,
This boy, through his stanzas, refrains,
Boldly states in deep blue ink, ''I'm fine
Though I spend my nights crying into a tattered pillow
That has never known what it's like to be dry'',
He exists in those moments & like a moth to a flame,
Like the gentle breeze in the night time,
His poetry whispers to him,
Like a broken boat on a wrinked shore of forgotten men-
''I am fine'', his words patter out, ''Just fine in my nothingness''...

This boy, in truthful prose proclaims,
''I smile like life is my winning game,
Like missing shards in a mirror can create a new series of perfection'',
This is the perfect debut of a perfomance gone bad,
A playwright, all the actors gone mad,
''I am fine'', as a 'poet' he writes,
''Just fine, since life has taught me
To find nothing in what should have been everything'',
This boy of poetry, of the spoken word,
Has become a walking bleeding wound
That's gradually become a battle-scar of the mind's internal wars,
He is a faded smile,
A watery thing the shade of faded blue jeans washed too many times,
The appearance of eyes that have spent their lifetime blind,
His story is one of lost trust,
& hearts trampled underfoot into clouds of blood-red dust..

This poet, this boy labelled by those who don't know him,
But who know the stereotypes,
He knows that it's really hard to explain the immensity of the wreckage,
To someone that came into his head in the face of the aftermath,
This boy knows, this pretend poet knows,
That the truth is more easily consumed with a series of high-strung words
That make the rest of the world feel smart,
So he writes the truth simply,
The lack of complexity shows him to be sorting through the things he's been hearing,
''I am a poet!!!'' this is what he screams,
Even though his heart does not pump blood but poetic verse,
& just as the sun exists in the sky,
This boy, this boy-
He exists in the forgiving arms of poetry...

He is poetry-
He is the beat inside the soul,
He is the emotion, he is the life,
He is the passion,
He is the bubbling energy, the very source of inspiration,
He is the sparkle in the eyes, the smile on the lips,
He is the ink flowing richly through the veins & onto the paper,
He may go through hell itself but he will never stop writing,
For writing is his recluse, his haven,
His each breath is a melody, his heart beats verse,
He may be bent, but never broken,
& his poetry will live on,
For he is poetry in itself..

•A Letter To God•

Flight of light-bearer into the night,
Come unto soul of me with your wisdom,
Engulf my spirit until I hear it moan,
Until I hear it cry out & weep,
Until my demons inside are put to sleep,
Loan me your essence freely & still away the pain of battle,
Unfurl in a Universe of spinning worlds,
Pique my sense of recompense & slant this chant of dreams,
Darkening clouds are pressing against an unholy blue,
& a gospel of crows from the fields sing their daily devotion in D-minor,
There is pressure in my lungs Father, for I have sinned,
A thinness of air, shallow with grief,
& I am emptied of belief that there lies any beauty in a woman who wears two faces,
& I am perhaps a shadow, a ghost,
A previous apparition or future prediction,
A grey blemish on an ultrasound wishing to be born again,
Will you fill the emptiness in my mind
With more knowledge than I can find
& clear humanity, free me from the bondage of sin??
Will you fill the absence in my arteries
With an arperture of threnody
& two-thirds red ink so I can bleed verse on the pages of my skin??

Streaming through my core, I abhore,
That from your light flows the shine of newness,
Sparked in an age of ignorance,
Where bliss-filled wrongs have become right,
I ask-
Re-birth me a poet, Father,
Turn my eyes East past spent home & collective sighs,
That I might write the measurement of trust found in the wind,
& stand beside me, us two, barefoot among wilted petals,
So I can touch the labouring ground
& hope to some day be found
Worthy of walking among the peaceful dead,
Father, cup hands to my ears, that I may hear-
The flute songs echo in distant valleys of valediction,
The crackling sounds of a doe & fawn sojourning in the forests,
The call of a hummingbird rising among the forgiving rustle of leaves,
Re-birth me a poet, Father,
& I shall write the meaning of the moon,
It's pure white soul forever hanging on,
& I shall write of the stars, how brilliantly the shine,
Where they go to rest come the dawn,
Flight of light-bearer into the night,
Come unto the soul of me with your wisdom,
Engulf my spirit until I hear it moan..