The mental processing split down to one reality,
Everything that's happened in a tiny span of life,
Crammed into a cranium with the archeology of strife,
Our day-to-day experience, our personal impermanence,
Molded by the world within its bustling circumference,
Born this way or formed this way, our bodies take their states of disarray,
Fragile things, fickle as newlyweds,
Bruised too easy but our brains, they're thunderheads,
Cascades of information passed through every inch you touch,
Everything you see, hear, breathe-
Sensation's a human crutch,
Overwhelming the thalamus comes too easily for some of us,
We lock up, shut down & forget about our worldliness,
Imprisoned with our sympathetic systems on repeat,
Some will fight anxieties, but us, we accept defeat,
Is this what we deserve when our brains are missing a piece??
The lack of feeling, when our synapse forget their happiness release,
Are we broken when we don't turn up our frowns??
Between the feeling that we're empty husks & living with the imperfections,
What can we do about our depression other than our own self-expression??
Self-medication, dug into our skin with claws & let in riven,
Covered all the scars, dotted I's, crossed T's,
Yet somehow I think they'll see through our niceties,
Missed meals, lost lunches, social life trying to make us rethink,
The feelings are still coming,
They bring us to the brink and push us..
It's really hard when life is worthless, mirthless,
A wild strange world resides up there in our heads,
The culminations of strange fantasies manifesting into air,
The struggles of twisted realities & structures with their maladies,
Holes in our brains too big, or just discrepancies,
Awareness is a formula of chemicals like dopamine,
But it hurts when you have too many people think you're just obscene, not natural-
A freak.
It's hard when life is so bleak,
The dehumanizing difficulty of having lemons
But being unable to make lemonade,
It's every mistake you've ever made put on parade,
Flashbacks & memories too much for the faint-spirited,
All of them walking nightmares, the hippocampus disoirted,
& people call us weak for somehow surviving this journey,
How we hope our brains can destroy it, make it evanesce,
All these broken synapses,
Memories of breakdowns & relapses,
Spark in vivid cacophony, a harmony,
A symphony of singing salutations,
Of first greetings & familial relations,
Days in & days out, fantasies coming in waves & going in bouts,
Think, what are we??
The totals of the agony, summation of futility??
Chemicals in a drunken cocktail of misinformation,
Learned behaviours & ambition,
These fireworks of our mysterious impulses,
Keep returning to us, till we fall to ashes...
Inside the darkness is where I stand,
Here, it is cold & very lonely,
But this isolation has somehow found it's way into the depths of my heart,
It has become my sole desire,
It is here that my thoughts flow best,
Even with the pandemonium knocking on the other side,
Yearning for me to join in it's endeavours,
It is here that I am complete, such madness in this existence,
Constant reprisal,
Ceaseless torment,
Incessant psychological shifting,
Constantly questioning if the last move I've made is initiating suffering upon my current resolve,
Constantly attempting to invielge myself into believing that what I've done is necessary,
But at times I am forced to question my disposition,
Was it worth it??
So many questions & none of them encompassing unequivocal responses,
Every move taken is a guess,
& there is no way to assure that the resolution I have attained is the correct one for my situation,
I dream of the light at the end of the tunnel,
But I have no means of knowing which path I should take to reach it,
I'm eager to sprint but I have nowhere to go,
Yet on I go,
Not realizing the only thing I accomplish is discontent,
& I will remain in this cold & lonely darkness,
Within the depths of my soul's void...
