•Absent Memories•

The ticking of my watch doesn't give me as much comfort

As the sound of your voice over wires,

If I called you now, would you pick up the phone??

I need to hear your voice

Because it is the only thing in the world that makes me feel less alone,

I want you to tell me if God is really real, angels too,

I'd really like to know because kids are screaming in the dark

& I don't want them to feel so alone, as alone as I do,

My body shakes in the dark,

This earth quakes in the dark,

I cannot feel the reality of hearts beating

& this entire world feels too much like a dream,

Because you have always been my tether to reality,

But you left, and you took my reality with you,

The shaking of my hands reminds me that you're not really here,

& I can't seem to get the point-

You're not here.

So the words start to slip & my hands start to slip,

& it fills me with fear because you're the only one who can convince me that this is all real,

The demon in the corner is screaming, arguing with the voices in my head,

& last night I thought that this was all just a game,

But your taste is in my mouth & my breath has been replaced,

But the aching memory of your sweet gentle face-

I can't get it out,

I can't get you out,

Someone needs to help me,

There is something in the walls & the world is blurry,

& I'm fading and it feels like everything is slowing down...

I thought I heard your heart beat through these walls,

& I swore I could feel your breath on my neck,

But I have forgotten the feeling of your hands against my skin,

& I have forgotten my own name,

& I have forgotten to speak to you like I used to,

Then again, I've probably been forgotten by you anyway,

I am a ghost-

Locked away in a drawer in the back of your mind,

& I'm right here.

I'm right here.

I am right here!!

I've been screaming for so long I'm not even sure if I'm real,

Often I think I'm dreaming

Because my voice shakes & my eyes are lost in a fog & you can't hear me,

I'm screaming I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I AM SORRY!! at the top of my lungs,

I will never forget you or the way our lips tasted in the morning sunlight,

But it's a pointless promise, I guess,

Because I don't even know if I'll ever hear you say "I love you too"..

For a second you were here with me,

But now I'm so afraid & so out of place,

Because the only thing you left behind is me,

Thinking that maybe, just maybe, you were never even real..

•Lost Constellations•

I take a sip for every thought of you,
But too many drinks make a hazy head-
A thin line between clarity & peering through a traffic of images of you,
The harmony of your tenor,
The stupid, goofy grin we both once shared,
In drabs, our souls drip away,
Though the clear transparency of your tone mingles with my opaque dossier,
One look is not as simple as one glance used to be,
Reliving through a blanket shell,
The ''mirror darkly'', the apt quote,
Now feelings fracture the edge of new circumstances,
I collect them in a decanter, you see, for my own pleasure,
At reconvening evidence, pocketing it like copper coins,
You abandoned your place in my heart in one whisper,
Yet simultaneously, you crept away,
Crept away into a veiled concept like a spice element amongst my dew,
Performed a show for all the eyes
But neglected my introspective, skip-a-beat type care,
So I sit here & play with the remains of my alcohol..
I thought I heard the strain of some lyric once in the dark,
I thought that sound might be you,
Or was it just a simplified version of hope threaded by some anti-Cupid-type demon,
With a promise of a sweeter success,
Forget the chorus & the organs of love,
Or the ''operas & musicals'' in mountains of my taste,
I want to hear your solo again,
The lightness in your cocktail accent
& your questions, unimposing for now,
& every word unspoken that will follow-
An affair of the soul, indeed!!
If flirtation begins, the thirst must be quenched,
If one eye closes, it must be opened by the other,
I drain the last of the second cup,
& the memory of your smile
Is nothing more than fingermarks on the glass..

I wish I could have known how many people look just like you,
How I can glance a silhouette from behind,
& choke on my heart in my throat
Before my brain has the chance to override,
It's not you, it never will be you,
I wish I would have known the clarity of my memory,
How I can still remember every hair peeking from your nostrils,
But the graze of your fingertips across my goose-bumped skin
Is lost in a void of forgotten thoughts,
I wish I would have known,
That the shitty song that you loved & insisted to play on repeat
Would repeat forever inside of me,
& I hate it, but not as much as I hate hearing nothing,
Nothing at all,
& sometimes when it rains & I'm drifting far away,
I feel like I hear your footsteps on the pavement,
Your key in the lock,
Your clumsy body causing the bed to squeak as you crawl in next to me,
Sometimes when it's chilly out,
I can see my own breath form a cloud of warmth
Before the cold breathes it back in,
Then I look up at the stars & somehow I feel closer to you,
As if I can hear your warm, smooth voice whisper in my ear,
''I'll never be over you'',
As if you're right next to me,
Planting small little seeds that will make my love for you grow,
As if that's even possible..

But now I know, you've never cared about me,
Yet no matter where you are, you'll always be with me,
& I know that's selfish because you were never mine to keep,
I now know that you've never felt the same,
But some day, in some way, I hope you'll understand,
That not once did I not see you as something I could hold on to,
& that it was just something beyond my control,
But you see, you were the stars in my eyes,
A fire that has never died,
& no matter how many times I tell myself that I've never crossed your mind,
My heart believes otherwise,
To me, you were the most beautiful unattainable being I had ever seen,
Gliding quietly through the world, while everyone you met fell under your spell,
You were everything that I wanted & something that I couldn't have,
But you changed me & now I'll never go back,
Because the stars we see in the dark sky are long gone,
& now, so are mine...